Welcome to My Corner of the Internet

welcome to my creative space, where all my little projects can live without the expectations of virality, likes, and followers

I have really grown to hate social media. Which I know is a tired statement at this point, and sounds hypocritical because I do have my own personal social media, and I choose to post YouTube videos, which is absolutely a social media as well. But in truth, I really, really, dislike social media. I hate how divisive it is, how big emotions get more clicks, how most of us get stuck in echo chambers, and almost worst of all, we spend hours upon hours consuming other peoples content instead of doing literally anything else. I genuinely believe that the sometimes 2+ hours I spend on Instagram would be better spent staring at my wall. At least I could daydream or think of something rather than numbing myself to the world around me. I don’t know, but my tolerance to social media (really just Instagram, fortunately I got off of TikTok during COVID because that was a capital A addiction for me) has been dwindling as of recent. I will download Instagram for short amounts of time and promptly delete it because almost immediately I run into content that stresses me out, emphasizes my own inadequacies, or generally just makes me feel like shit.

And truthfully, I like some of the things social media has to offer! I like that it has the potential to show me intentional, well thought out videos and posts that people put a lot of time and effort into. I love video editing, art, fashion, animation, sewing and design and really enjoy seeing what creative things people do to make interesting posts. More than once I have been inspired, or moved to tears by the stories people put out, and there is occasionally times when social media exposes me to ideas that challenge me and help me grow. I love that we have a direct pipeline to people we find engaging and interesting. I feel like outside of entertainment and inspiration, I have been exposed to so many cool ideas, and I have learned a lot about a myriad of topics. And especially as of recent in the United States, I think that when it comes to things like organizing protests, sharing resources and learning about the state of affairs in our country, social media has such potential for impact, and I have seen a lot of good come from it. The “ICE OUT” and “No Kings” protests were, in my opinion, such excellent use of social media to organize social movement that were required for this era of politics in our country.

That being said, I still fucking hate social media, beyond no other reason than it makes me feel like shit. I don’t even get to see my friends posts most of the time too, I am always being forced to view some influencer or companies media that I have no desire to see. I have a personal IG to keep up with old and new friends, and I have little to no desire to see anyone else’s content outside of my personal bubble. In fact that’s partially why I really like Instagram stories (kind of) because at least most of the time I can see what my friends are up to. But outside of that, I feel that aside from occasionally wanting to be entertained, I dont really enjoy Instagram anymore.

Now as much as I want to cry about how social media has been more of a net negative for me than a positive, that is such a tired argument at this point. I have nothing new to add to this discussion, so I will not. Instead, I am going to delve into why I have decided to create this little website.

In case anyone were wondering, my name, Atom, is directly inspired by the main robot from the 2012 movie, “Real Steel”, which remains one of my favorite movies of all time. It also was my gamer tag for the longest time, so I feel some real nostalgic spirit for this name and character, so I felt that now, as a grown-ass woman in my mid twenties having her quarter life crisis, it was time to bring it back.

Getting the ball rolling away from the eyes of others

This is something I think a lot of people probably struggle with, especially in an age in which it feels like your moves and actions could be recorded and posted to the internet at any moment, but recently I am so afraid of being witnessed. I don’t want to engage in any behavior that is seen as “cringe” or “performative” or anything along those lines that would encourage me to be scrutinized by strangers on the internet. I am so afraid to be seen trying in most arenas, and it causes me to shelter myself from any kind of new experiences because “What if I am not good at it right away? What if I am seen failing?”.

I am not even seeking any kind of real monetary gain out of any of my endeavors. I have no desire to have a career in art, to make YouTube my main source of income, and to monetize this blog. I genuinely just want to have a space to express myself without feeling some fear that I am going to be judged by someone I went to middle school with. And in truth, maybe if I were stronger in my own identity I wouldn’t feel so afraid to be seen. If I were somehow more sure of myself I wouldn’t feel the need to be palatable to everyone. If I could just exist and not be afraid to be witnessed I would. Trust me, I have been trying (with varying degrees of success) for the better part of ten years.

But here is the thing, time is running out. We always think we have time, but now I am entering the latter half of my twenties, and the goals I have surrounding my desires to express myself creatively that I have had since I was in middle school have gone completely unrecognized. And at this point, I just have to acknowledge that I am afraid, and that is ok. I am afraid of being judged, at being laughed at, and to be seen trying. I am afraid that I am not good enough, that I am not interesting enough, or smart enough. That no matter what I do, I will never escape my own crushing expectations for myself.

But right now, I have not done a single thing. Well that isn’t true, I have done lots of things in other arenas of my life, in spaces where I feel like I won’t be judged as harshly. But in this one realm, this one part of me, I have always been too afraid. And I feel like until I am brave enough to be seen trying, I will never satisfy this piece of me that feels I need to at least try, even if that means being seen and judged and even…disliked.

So that was an extremely long winded way to say that the reason I thought that a website would be a good stepping stone would be because I am not as easy to discover as Instagram or TikTok, which I know sounds counterintuitive to the goals of most people who post online which is to be seen and heard, but right now, my goal is just to produce, and more mainstream social media is a little too intimidating to me. I am going to post long form videos on YouTube, and I could see myself maybe having a public Instagram one day, but as of right now, this little website will be where I post my miscellaneous stuff. I feel like I will be more encouraged to draw, write, and create without feeling like I am really performing for any audience. And obviously, people may find this website and that’s ok too, but I feel like since most people aren’t going to be seeking out this space, I feel a little more freedom. Like Instagram is scary because potentially your drawing or video you thought would go to your forty followers suddenly is going out to tens of thousands of people, and truthfully, that scares me a little bit.

I just want to start making stuff, and I want to share it, just on my own terms, I guess thats how I feel about it. When I am ready I will share this blog and my YouTube channel with people I know, but not right away. I just want some space to learn without feeling any made up pressure for an audience that isn’t even there.

Some of my art is pictured above. Portraits are my favorite but i also love to draw and paint tech and architecture. My favorite mediums are pencil, watercolor, gouache, ink and markers.

I am so addicted to instagram, and I don’t want to spend any more of my life on there

I guess another reason for this website is that Instagram is such a fucking parasite in my life. As I sit here and write this I have challenged myself to keep Instagram off of my phone for the whole week. I am completely addicted to Instagram, like if I had a friend that had a relationship to alcohol the way that I have a relationship to IG, I would be working on scheduling an intervention for them.

There are aspects of IG I really like. I like seeing peoples creativity and video editing skills. I love to see my friends stories and posts, and I like curating my own little scrap book in my Instagram posts and stories. Outside of that though, IG offers more negativity in my life than positives. And don’t get me wrong, I would love to have a super healthy relationship with IG. I would love to just check once or twice a day for a few minutes, and then log off, but right now that is not the case. So I have decided to try and use this space the same ways authors use cabins in the woods to work. I am currently off on my own island, posting the stuff I do to this little website that only I can see (and probably my mom and siblings too because they are pretty cool too)

I also don’t know if I want to contribute to that portion of the attention economy. There are so many creators on IG, and some of them really are great and I do like them a lot, but I think for my own personal philosophy, I don’t want to contribute to that space of the internet right now. I feel like for me, having a YouTube channel and a blog is most in line with the personal beliefs I have surrounding my own addiction to Instagram and short form content. I feel like focusing my energy making long form videos and writing lengthly blog posts can help me heal my own reliance on short form videos and dopamine seeking behavior (Just so we are clear, I have no qualms with people posting on Instagram or short form video creators, I am just saying for me and the relationship I have to these platforms, it doesn’t feel right to me to make that kind of content).

I guess to completely cover my ass though, and to highlight that I am kind of a hypocrite, I probably will have a time when I may post on an Instagram account solely to announce when new blog posts have gone up. I definitely don’t have enough readers to be concerned about that right now, but I guess I could see myself potentially doing that in the future.

My own little slice

I guess in conclusion, I just would love to have my own little spot. A place to put my thoughts, my shitty art, my good art, my silly photos and videos, and to accumulate my own space to find parts of me I feel like I have really neglected. I don’t want to feel afraid anymore, if anything I just want to feel free to be myself. I want to se if maybe in this context of posting I can find my own creative voice. I don’t really know. I am just a human trying to make the best use of my time on this floating rock. And I guess if I were to die tomorrow, I want to have apart of me that feels more real left behind.

Anyways, thank you for reading, You are welcome back whenever you feel like it.

My little kitty, named after my favorite character, Ahsoka :)